Kate Beckinsale, Kate Winslet, Kate Moss, Kate Braithwaite?

Now that is my plan. To be named alongside the other respected Kates of my time! And to be another brit sailing the flag! Its just taking longer than I expected. Longer than I had planned. Actually who am i kidding. That was always my problem never making a very good five year plan. I always put it down to being in an industry I couldn’t control. Obviously by doing so, I made it so. It had been the amazing force of a certain head strong stubborn male in my life that I have started taking more control. And lets be honest, responsibility of my wasting of time. Lets see where that takes me in five years.

As yet we have just started making our own work. If you werent brave enough to approach the big boys, then obviously they wouldnt have taken you on. And considering the big boys are really the only ones getting the big jobs, then thats where you have to be. My main criticism of myself is having very low confidence in myself. It meant I never believed that people in the driving seat would be interested in the goon I knew myself to be. Are the confident people really goons deep down? Do they realise they are actually also capable of gooniesness?(wait does calling it goonieness make it too cool as The Goonies is legendary) Or do they so believe they are awesome and that their self belief convinces everyone else that they are without the goon gene.

Sometimes I wish I was like that. On a good day, I don’t. On a good day I remember all the bits and pieces, choices, brilliant ideas and stupid mistakes and I’m proud of myself so far. I guess that’s just hard when your not where you want to be. It’s keep that destructive wolf way away from your door, the wolf of choices past and future. Its the little piggy in the middle called present that one needs to grip a hold of and be comfortable to travel the journey of life with.

Its taken me, too long in my opinion, to get to this point of awareness and discovery. Thus how The Wolf Of Choices Past is able to rock on up through the wrought iron gate and posting shit in my letterbox. I studied. I always got great feedback in class. I did free work. I always got great feedback. I did big budget jobs with some very well respected names. Got outstanding feedback that I admit made me cry with joy. So what is it I have to do?

I never did the casting couch, is that where I went wrong? I didnt party my ass off, should I have? I went to the gym, did test shoots, did projects to keep me fresh, took new classes to see if I was missing something so what I’ve put it down to is, no confidence.

Confidence makes the world go round.

So for quite a while, as I worked this out a few years back, I was like right well its not like I can just say “kate, now girl just be confident” and then start just being confident. OK of course naive me did do that. Had an audition, got ready at home to uplifting music, pouted at myself in the mirror, whacked on the heels and of course was then running late. Ran to the tube, huffed and puffed to Leicester Square, rugby tackled my way through the tourists and up to the reception desk to check in to be allowed to sit in the room of bitchiness till my number is called.

I would be sat shaking like a power plate with such electricity and force all the while telling myself I was a confident, talented young woman who was more than capable of pretending to be stood at a bus stop, when suddenly a lemon comes hurtling out of the sky and hits you on the head. Reacting to the lemon but not angry,too hurt, bemused or stunned by this lemon that has clearly defied gravity as it has not knocked me unconcious, but instead with slight amusement that I am now dreaming of eating lemon yogurt. Now come on, I’m happy to dispend belief, I mean I’m an actress but Citrus and Dairy. Nah uh, just not feasible. Anyways I’m in there and I’m happy about this clashing of mouthbud experiences and not at all pissed that some idiot has just launched a lemon at my head, from the realms of non existence and I am still feeling completely unconfident.

I leave the room and feel relieved that the experience is over and a slight feeling that i conquered something today, just not sure what. I got through it. But, I didn’t excel. Is that because of my need to be good? Because what they ask is so ridiculous and “I trained darling” and it is so ridiculous even a monkey could do it but none of us could?

I don’t know.

I just know that all the self talk, and positive mental attitude was not working for me. I am still that unconfident me that I always was. Its funny (to me anyway) that everyone else says I am so confident. I’m relaxed, take life in my stride, unfazed etc etc. Maybe I am getting better at hiding it. Who knows. Lets see how todays audition goes. Maybe I will be one step closer to knowing the secret. To making a five year plan. To being one of the great kates.

 

 

 

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